Women Supporting Women

A few years ago, I hit an all time low at my professional job. I was a newly promoted department leader, responsible for supervising a team of people in a fast paced, high change environment. It was my first leadership position. I was 26 or 27, I can’t remember exactly.

On my team, I had a variety of people reporting to me — some older than me, some younger than me, and some the same age as me. I was really good at my job, I knew that, but I struggled to find my identity within the team. I wasn’t a hard ass, but I wasn’t overly friendly. I was a manager — an empathetic, communication-driven person put in charge of leading others.

It’s an odd thing, being a young leader. Perhaps it would have been different if I was a male, perhaps not. All I know is that as a mid-twenty female supervisor, I struggled. I didn’t struggle getting the work done or achieving results I was expected to achieve, I struggled gaining the respect I deserved in my position. Not because I didn’t earn it though. I tirelessly tried to lift up and develop everyone around me. But I guess I failed… or at least I thought I did.

Turns out, I’m a damn good leader, teacher, trainer, supporter, and encourager. I’m reminded of it everywhere I turn. Back then, I was just dealing with people who didn’t want to take me seriously. My every move and action was gossiped about behind my back, but it didn’t bother me. As a leader, you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I let comments and gossip roll off my back all the time; I chose to ignore it with the intent that I was the bigger, more mature person. When they go low you go high. I told myself that all the time.

As I transitioned from college to the real working world, I always assumed it would be hardest to work with those who were decades older than me. As I learned the hard way, it’s actually much harder as a young female leader to work amongst other young females. Why? Primarily because of two things — jealousy and envy.

I once had a professor who drilled the difference between jealousy and envy into my brain. Jealousy occurs when you’ve experienced someone or something, then lose it to someone or something else. When someone has what you’ve lost and you’re bitter about it, you’re jealous. Envy, on the other hand, is when you’ve never experienced someone or something, but you wish you had. Someone who’s been a leader but now isn’t anymore can be jealous of someone else’s leadership position, but someone who’s never been a leader can only be envious. Jealousy is one animal, but envy can turn people into verbally insulting monsters if it manifests itself in a bad way.

As it goes, there’s no one-size fits all training plan for new leaders. Especially young, new female leaders working with young, female employees. For a long time, I felt like I was underwater trying to please those around me. I worked with a woman who would get mad at me and go weeks without directly communicating with me. During this period of time, her emails would be sharp and pointed. She wouldn’t make eye contact with me. And that was fine, I didn’t like it but I dealt with it. What was worse, way worse, was that though she wouldn’t communicate with me, she had no problem assassinating my character behind my back.

Out of all the comments I overheard over the years, perhaps the hardest ones to swallow, even worse than being called “princess”, were the ones that attacked my physical appearance and/or my character. I let a lot roll off my back, but the day I read that I “make these rules because I have no friends”, it started to affect my mind. I read comments about me being impatient, self-centered, and more. But the one that cut the deepest, the one that knocked the wind out of my sail and left me feeling the lowest I’d ever felt, was this one:

“Oh look, she’s wearing her pink lipstick today, wonder whose ass she’s going to be kissing.”

For the sake of transparency, I left work in tears that day. Can you blame me? Just when you think you’ve escaped high school girl drama, it finds a way to show its ugly face again. But as a leader, an employee in a professional working environment, and someone who strongly values empowering and supporting those around me, that comment hurt worse that every 17-year old insult heaved my way back in the late 2000 decade.

I wasn’t strong enough to let it roll off my back that time because I couldn’t understand why this woman felt like insulting me the way she did. It affected my mental health, because it was hard to shake the negativity that swirled around in my head. It made me hesitant to wear my pink lipstick. It made me hesitant to wear lipstick at all. I felt like I couldn’t express my personality in the way I wanted over fear I would continue to be her verbal punching bag. The whole scenario lived rent free in my mind until the day she left the company. And that was freeing.

Women are supposed to be each other’s biggest allies. We’re supposed to lift each other up, not tear each other down. We’re supposed to fight for, empower, and link our arms together in union. We shouldn’t be criticizing or mocking one another, we should be advocating for one another.

Today, on International Women’s Day 2021, I feel proud to be a woman. And I’m proud to be a young, more experienced female leader, too. I’m proud to be someone who believes in empowering other women. I’m proud to be an echo for voices that need to be heard.

Most importantly, I’m proud to wear my pink lipstick, because I know now I’m not kissing anyone’s ass, I’m expressing myself in a way that makes me feel confident, unique, and bold. I don’t stand for women tearing apart other women. There’s no place for jealousy, envy, or bitterness when comparing someone else’s success to your own. There’s no reason to lash out or bully someone else because of who they are, what they choose to wear, or how they express themselves. It’s time to get rid of that toxicity and set the record straight.

I leave you with this quote, a quote that accurately summarizes how I feel after what I experienced first-hand:

“You can tell who the strong women are.

They’re the ones building each other up instead of tearing each other down.”

Be you. Be confident in who you are and what you have to give. Be your own person. Be resilient. Build others up. Wear the damn pink lipstick unapologetically and choose to make a difference. Your words have power. The world needs more strong women.

Happy International Women’s Day!

JB